I’ll never self harm again?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

This post is a little insight to my personal self harm story. I haven’t self harmed in 4 years now, that’s a long time! Self harm to me was cutting my wrists and thighs, mostly with blades. It was a very private thing for me, no one knew, nor ever found out, until years later when they saw the fainted scars, which I dismissed as being a part ‘teenage hormones’, which the older generation happily accept. 

I no longer wear long sleeves, I still don’t ever have my legs out, but I think that’s just personal preference instead of not wanting my scars on show. My scars have faded from red to white, this makes them show more in summer. They are not so noticeable that everyone eyes are drawn to them, but are visible if you look. No one ever comments on them(so grateful) other than one experience at a nail salon.

The ‘reason’ I stopped self harming was by being black mailed by my partner, that sounds bad, but it’s not, I am very grateful. He said if I ever cut again, he’ll cut too, the same amount of times. (he has never self harmed, not suffers with any mental illness). I couldn’t bear him ever to do that to himself, so I forced myself to stop. It wasn’t easy, when I had the intense urge, I spoke it out with him and over time I guess it just got easier?

I am in a place now where I no longer have the intent to harm myself, nor ever see myself doing so. I never thought it possible to never even think out cutting, but that is my reality now, one I am very proud of. 

I never sought medical help, physically for the cuts, or mentally. I did this purely on my own, well with my boyfriends help. If you’re still struggling, please stay safe, get help if you feel you need it. I’m here for anyone who needs support. This was difficult to share, I’m glad I did. Thank you for reading!

 

 

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